coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
