I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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