i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
soo... how was my night?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
