I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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