Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
