did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It was confusing and full of hummus
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
