The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
