the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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