Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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