Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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