Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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