i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
