Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
