Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
