with your own penis?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize