you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
