I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
