the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize