Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
