We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
