Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
