There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
