The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
