I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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