erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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