dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
