I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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