i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
