I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
