Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
