I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
