so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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