You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
