I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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