i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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