he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
