I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just invented taco cereal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
