Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
