Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize