4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
