I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
