the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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