Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
