Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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