My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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