The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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