the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
