I can text with my tongue
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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