um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
