So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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