You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
