his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's rum buckets o'clock
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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