True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
