i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
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