If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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