I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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