Screwed.edu
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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