Already got asked if we're dating
My cat gives me a boner
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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