i think i have herpe
just one?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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