Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
