my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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