I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
